"Krullmi" is a longtime reader and supporter starting back when I had only the Know the Future prophecy book and private forum. (Krullmi is his handle there). After a year on the support team and listening to the latest podcasts he took the time to share how it helped him to get back to actually living by the main rule Jesus taught as he used to do until he inevitably backslid. I thought his words were so real, wise, and confirming that I asked to share them here for others to benefit. I trust they will encourage you to stop putting off working on the hard things Jesus' words convict us to do but we lack the wisdom or support to pull off—up till now. (The clear-er conscience towards God this affords sure is a relief!)
Krullmi's Letter To Us
Tim (and Katrina),
This turned into a small book. Even after re-reading and editing it for 3 weeks. Then you and Katrina added the "applying the blood" pod cast when I thought I was in the final edit. That compelled me to add more. Sorry. I blame you and Katrina for that. That podcast hit me right now. I can't explain just how...I mean...If you and Katrina can read this to the end you will see.
I've mentioned this in e-mails before. I've been trying to re-implement 2 habits and ways of thinking from when I was younger (and not studying the bible, but was talking to God more). I believe these habits are more in line with "...And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." (Luke 6:30-31). They also seem to be another way of applying the things you and Katrina have been talking about in your pod casts. It's a strange thing to try to unkick a habit. Well... it's strange to say it that way.
Long Back Story For Habit 1
From as early as I can remember at bed time mom or dad or any one of my siblings (I was the youngest of 6) would tuck me in and help me with my nightly prayers. It was actually a very warm and tender thing in our family. Sign of the cross (Catholic up bringing) to start the call, a "hail Mary", an "our father" and an "angel of God" (a prayer to our guardian angel) followed by saying "God bless..." then we'd say a list of all the people we wanted blessed; family members, friends, any recent disaster victims (stuff like that), end with a "...and God bless me." then hang up the call with a final sign of the cross and get a good night kiss from whoever helped me that night. Sometimes it was more than one family member praying with me.
The part of the prayer where we were blessing people was very conversational because we would often talk about why we thought someone needed a special blessing and my "helpers" would often add some people and ask God to help them with "such and such" problem they were going through. I felt very loved while praying that way and have always associated praying with being loved by God and family. It felt like God was right there with us. I never stopped saying nightly prayers though as I got older they became almost completely conversational.
In Catholic grade school, my 4th grade teacher, who was a nun, told us that God has a book for each of us. In that book is a table with 2 columns. One column for the good things we do and one for the bad (you can see where this is going). At the end of your life more good points get you to Heaven, more bad points get you to hell. I didn't know if this was true Catholic doctrine, no other Catholic person in my life ever told me this again, but it was what she said.
The words of the 4th grade nun haunted me ... a lot. So now when my nightly prayers were over and the light was out, I'd call God back (not out loud) and ask Him "if I ever reach a day where my good gets 1 point higher than my "bad" would You take me in my sleep so I can't blow it tomorrow?" Kinda dark, but I didn't see it that way at the time. I wasn't suicidal but the thought of making it to heaven, even if it was by one point was comforting. I was afraid of dying, but what if I prayed to live and I had the winning score that night?
In 5th grade we made our first confession. Did confessing erase a "bad" checkmark or just relieve guilt? Perhaps confessing a sin adds a "good" checkmark for acknowledging the sin which nullifies a "bad" check without erasing it so the records are still accurate. I never asked anyone about it because no one else ever talked about the checkmark book. We also learned that we did not have to go to confession with a priest if we wanted to confess something right now. At least, that's what I was told when I asked a priest about it. So now my nightly prayers included some pretty lengthy confession sessions.
By 6th grade hormones kicked in leading to new kinds of bad thoughts. Also knew God knows every thought, and learned that just thinking about a woman the wrong way was a sin. Matthew 5:28
Now I'm really in trouble. I certainly wasn't making any efforts to control my thoughts. I wasn't sure that controlling thoughts was even possible. The number of bad things I do is already too high and there's probably 100 bad thoughts surrounding every bad action. I can never win this game. If I manage to never "do" a sinful thing for the next 80 years, it won't matter. I am probably having 100 bad thoughts an hour. More guilt, more fear, more hopelessness. Were other kids my age thinking like this?
God knows every thought... means he is always there. A comforting and horrifying realization.
I knew I needed to start making myself aware that He is always there. Try to drive that into my head. I believe God gave me an epiphany. I needed to make a habit of constantly talking to God in my head throughout the day like I did in my nightly prayers. If I'm talking to him, I'm aware He is there. Makes it hard to continue in bad actions and bad thoughts when he is "standing" right there. This is very similar to "at the very least say to yourself once an hour, I'm here, God is here and he is for me."
Having always had comfortable conversational prayer in the evenings along with confessions and warm feelings helped to keep this from being something to fear and it brought comfort (thanks to mom and dad and family for that!). When I started to feel guilty or aware that I was doing something wrong I'd simply say "God" in my head. It was often followed by "help me." At first it was hard to remember to do it, but I also found that often times people and even other kids (when I was a kid) would use phrases like "Oh my God" or just "Oh God". I became sensitized to it and immediately would say something to Him upon hearing a reference to Him even if it was just "Hi God" or "Almost forgot You were standing there" to make myself aware He was there. References to God often came in sarcasm during peer pressure situations. Eventually it became habit to be constantly talking to God. It helped immensely. It wasn't fool proof, but it worked well for me and made me keenly aware of when I was pushing Him away because I was enjoying some bad thoughts or actions. I did find was hardest to do this when I was angry.
The Story Behind Habit Two
When I got into college we were required to take a "run" of classes outside our major. A "run" had to be 3 or more classes. I was going to school for Mechanical Engineering and took my run in Psychology. Psych 101, 102, Logic and....Death. Yes, they offered a psych class labeled simply "Death". At first we studied writings from people who were terminally ill, but half way through the quarter we started to study writings from people who had a Near Death Experience (NDE). People who were clinically dead (heart stopped) but were revived. Some people experienced what they saw as a trip to heaven, others to hell and others who simply had an out of body experience where they wandered around in the operating room and hospital where they were being worked on or wandered around the accident site where they were clinically dead after a car crash or some other serious injury. There was one particular story that lead me to habit number two.
The experience had to do with a man who during his NDE remembered when he was a boy that had an aunt that lived in a cottage behind his house. All the kids loved this lady and she used to do stuff with them a lot. Once she told the boy to leave some wild flowers alone that were growing in the yard. She was planning on using them to teach the kids to make things with them. Later the boy's father told the boy to mow the lawn and cut the weeds. Knowing his aunts plans, he decided not to say anything to his dad or his aunt and deliberately cut the weeds (which included the wild flowers). He had even come up with a name for his plan. He called it "Operation Chop Chop". He would use the fact that his dad told him to do it to justify it. He chopped the wild flowers. His aunt never said a word. During his "life review" this event came up. Only this time he saw it from his snide little boy mind AND from the view point of his aunt when she first saw the cut flowers. He experienced her emotions. His aunt was devastated and couldn't believe what he had done. She thought he must not have remembered, but how could he have not remembered? Then he goes on to say you experience every event in your life that way. The crap you pulled and how it affected others as well as the good things you did and how that affected people too. I might have some of the details wrong, but that's the gist of the story.
I just found the story online. Searched on "Operation Chop Chop" here it is if you're curious (it's better than my summary):
Operation Chop-Chop (Tom Sawyer) - The Formula for Creating Heaven on Earth
As fascinating as all the other NDE's were that we studied, I don't remember much of them, but "Operation Chop Chop" was burned into my brain. I kept thinking "What kind of pain have I caused?" Is everyone I ever met really going to be made aware of my thoughts and emotions? Not just God, but every person I did stuff too and all the thoughts I had about them? Shit. I always knew God knew. Habit 1 kept me keenly aware of that. But everyone I ever encountered will know too? Really?
Could not put that out of my head, but it didn't really change my thinking, or get me to control my thinking much with the exception of apologizing to God about thoughts like that.
I never read the bible till I was married. Up to that point I talked to God a lot (habit 1 still going strong) and often asked questions which I eventually would get answers to, most often through experiences I believe God brought into my life. There is another whole long story as to how I finally started reading the bible on a regular basis, but it's not important right now. Anyway at about 24 or 25 years old I started reading the bible. Started at page one and read every word to the end....even all the "begats". When I'm done, I start at page one and do it again. Takes me 4 to 5 years to read it one or two chapters a day.
Enter Jedimaster Luke
Then I read...
Luke 12:2-3 (NIV) "There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs."
Wham! Immediately "Operation Chop Chop" thumped me on the head.
Everyone I have ever encountered will know what I was thinking, not just God. I believe the phrase "will be proclaimed from the roofs." is another way of saying "everyone will hear".
I cried. I prayed to God for more forgiveness and to help me find a way to control my thoughts. It's frightening enough that people see some of the things I do; it’s horrifying knowing they will know my thoughts. My thoughts don't always lead to actions. Praise God for habit 1, but how do I control my thoughts? How do I bring every thought captive? 2 Corinthians 10:5
The Birth of Habit 2
A few hours after reading Luke 12:2-3 I was driving in my car. Someone cut me off. Immediately in my mind I dropped an "F" bomb and imagined myself punching them. A thought punched me back. That person will see that. How many times have I cut someone off and they thought the same of me? How many times did I cut someone off and not even realize I did it? What about when I cut someone off out of a panic because I needed to exit and no one would let me in? What if that's what happened to them when they cut me off ? In the scheme of things, thinking mean thoughts about someone while driving compared to nasty thoughts that didn't involve traffic was probably not a big deal. But just hours ago God made me aware that others will know my thoughts and He turned the "aware" knob waaaay up. So I apologized to the lane cutter and God right then in my head.
Why apologize to God too?
Because "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40
(I realize that is a little out of context, as that verse was referring to good works, but when it popped into my head I interpreted as meaning anything I did. I still interpret it that way.)
Wait. You talk too much. What Is Habit 2?
Make myself aware that all will be revealed to everyone....like operation chop chop.
So I started apologizing, and talking in my head to the people around me knowing they will someday know my thoughts. This along with habit one (constantly talking to God) was very helpful.
Habit 2; being aware that the person I'm thinking about is experiencing my thoughts, changes the way I think. Especially when it's thoughts that are judgmental, angry, or sexual. That person is in my head with me and God. Maybe not exactly at this time, but someday. This was huge for me. Apologizing (in my head) to them immediately knowing they are there, stopped my thoughts dead in their tracks. I COULD control my thoughts or at least cut them off. Not only did it help to control my thoughts, but when someone was angry at me or not being nice to me, I would ask them and God (in my head) what's going on in their life and/or what has happened to them that is making them behave like this? Maybe it was something I did and was unaware of. Maybe they need prayers for something that is happening and they are just venting on me. Maybe I remind them of someone who has done something bad to them.
Have you ever not liked the way someone looks at you? Or find yourself making fun of someone (in your head), or have sexual thoughts about someone who you don't even know? Would you think those same thoughts and continue in them if you knew they could hear those thoughts and feel your attitude? Now add that God is right there too.
I found myself embarrassed and asking for forgiveness (in my head) many, many times from women and God for sexual thoughts. Do women have any idea how many times in an hour that a man (especially a young man with raging hormones) imagines things about them? As if that is not bad enough, I wanted to vomit the first few times after starting habit 2 when I had thoughts like that about a woman and her boyfriend, husband, mother, father, sister, brother or her kids were standing right there. Lots of people to apologize to and ask for forgiveness. Then I realized all those people still knew even when they were not standing there. "Shouts from the roof" are heard by more than the people standing right next to you. Amazing how fast you can stop those thoughts when they are being yelled from the roof tops.
All those people seeing my Sexual thoughts was so devastating to me that I developed a habit 2a, specifically for sexual thoughts.
Ever see "Return of the Jedi"? There is a battle scene in there where a 2 legged walking tank was destroyed by two heavy logs suspended by rope slamming simultaneously into each side of the "head" of the tank violently obliterating it. Decapitation by head crush. Habit 2a was to imagine my head being crushed in that manner when sexual thoughts began to well up. I often had to look away and "loop" through it a few times. It did help to keep me from continuing in those thoughts most of the time.
Over time the combination of habit 1 and habit 2 had an unexpected effect. I found myself praying for people on the spot. I started to have genuine compassion for them if I knew them or not. This was happening even if I was having a bad experience with them. I could actually pray for my "enemies" in real sincerity. It's hard to explain how that came about. It just did.
So there you have it. Two habits I had when I was younger that I believe made me a better Christian when I barely knew the bible and wasn't reading it outside of what was read in church. I became a more joyful person because of the habits and I think others probably found me to be more pleasant back then.
There were times when someone, a stranger or a friend, would walk by and I would feel an intense emotion coming from them. I would immediately turn to God (in my head), "What was that? Are they ok? Please give them relief. Do you want me to do something?" Sometimes I'd feel nudged to act, so I'd (out loud) ask them if they were OK while asking God to give me the right things to say. I should clarify. This is what I consider praying. It is completely conversational, despite the fact that I don't start with "dear lord Jesus" and end with "in the name of Jesus I pray". It seemed silly to do that. We've been walking and talking all day. Well... I've been talking, He's been nudging. Maybe it's more proper to say His Holy Spirit has been nudging? Sometimes I would throw in a "In the name of Jesus please help" but to be honest, it was rare.
Anyway, At first I thought I was just subconsciously picking up on peoples body language. Then I had a few times where I didn't see the person approach or pass. I just felt the intense heavy emotion go by. Many times I would ask if they're ok and they'd say "I'm fine". Sometimes I'd follow with "Oh, I just thought I sensed something". Sometimes they would confess something is going on, or return a "No, I'm really fine". So maybe I was full of it. Or, maybe having me just ask was God's way to let them know He cares. I'll never know. When I'd turn back to God and ask "Did I get that wrong?" He wouldn't always nudge me an answer. One time I was at work wearing headphones listening to the radio staring at my desk checking an engineering drawing (or something like that) and WOW did a heavy emotional sphere pass by. I had never felt anything that intense before. I barely knew the guy that had passed by and I wrestled with God for a few seconds about getting up. God won. I came to find he was going through a divorce. He never gave much detail about it, but we ended up praying together. I only knew his name before that. We ended hanging out at work a lot after that. I think I was on my 2nd trip through the bible. He ended up helping me understand some scriptures that confused me. New wine in old wine skins. I had no clue what that meant. He explained it. Never occurred to me they didn't have bottles. They had pottery. Why not bottles? But I digress.
- Habit 1: Be aware that God is always right here with you. Talk to Him all the time. Ask for help and understanding at every moment.
- Habit 2: Be aware that everyone you come into contact with or think about will one day know your thoughts. Think as though they are aware of them right now and it helps to control those thoughts.
To put this in the terms you and Katrina have been using it would go something like this:
Every hour say to yourself, I'm here, God is here, the people I'm thinking about are listening and God is for all of us.
How I Lost The Habits
Every time I read through the bible I always feel under judgement while reading through the Old Testament. The Old Testament is 75% of the bible. Since it takes me 4 to 5 years to read through the entire bible that means for 3 to 4 years I feel I’m under a cloud of judgment. What a lifting of the clouds there is to finally reach the New Testament and experience the healing forgiveness offered to us from the words and actions of Christ! He never stoned a single sinner he encountered, never called fire from heaven to burn them, never made the earth split beneath their feet and swallow them and their families and no one was stricken with disease or died on the spot. (at least not until Acts) Hope at last! I have to admit, after reading through the bible the second time, I dreaded starting the third trip through knowing the darkness was coming back. So I re-read the New Testament 3 times before starting from page 1 again. That, in turn, got me to look for references to Jesus in the Old Testament as the darkness thickened. I craved light in the darkness. Didn't have that knowledge the first times through.
With so much time in the darkness of the Old Testament and finding that despite the 2 habits I still fell into repetitive sin, my guilt began to keep me from wanting to talk to God. It slowly eroded the habits. It was really crushing when after getting married I found myself still fighting thoughts about other women and my wife will learn of this...what a pig. As I was learning more from the bible and was exploring the internet for more answers I found many people who better understood the bible and were able to pull much more information from it than I could. I felt a great deal of guilt about the Sabbath and was amazed at the knowledge that many of the Hebrew roots people had. I loved and hated it. It put me on a roller coaster. I started looking for holes in their interpretations, and started responding to their statements only to be crushed with a barrage of bible verses with their interpretations and twisting of verses. Verses that I thought were self explanatory only to find they had another interpretation that completely turned the meaning around. Then it became a driving force in me to prove I was right and they were wrong. I started to waffle back and forth on my beliefs. This lead to more guilt and confusion and less talking to God even though I was spending more time studying scripture. It wasn't just hebrew roots people, I would question anyone's interpretation. Thankfully, after being beat up by the HR people, I kept most of my "you got that wrong" stuff to myself. However, my attitude was mean. Guess what? Keeping it to yourself ain't really a thing.
Eventually, the habits were no longer habits. I had become argumentative, judgmental, mad at myself for not being able to figure it out, guilty for flip flopping from one belief to the next, there was turmoil between my wife and me. She was deeply hurt and felt betrayed because I told her I didn't want to be Catholic anymore because of what I have learned. She and I were Catholic and going to Catholic mass until then. It had been very important to her but I stopped going with her and eventually she stopped too. I was feeling abandoned by God because He wasn't clearing the confusion. Perhaps He left because of what I was and was not doing (Torah?)
Paul warned and rebuked regarding a "false gospel" with harsh words.
Galatians 1:8 — But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel other than what we have preached to you, a curse be on him!"
Here's the thing Paul, you and the apostles aren't here now to teach me the "true gospel". All I have is 2000 plus years of other people handing your words down, translating them to my different language from writings pieced together by people I never met who decided which writings were true and which are false. In addition to that, there are 2000 years of millions of people re-interpreting what these sorted through, translated words "really" mean.
Let’s not forget the invisible evil being trying to destroy us, with supernatural powers, thousands of years of wisdom and observation of mankind to prey upon all our weaknesses, who has an unknown number of invisible minions that apparently can become visible if they wish to, or even worse "enter" the bodies of any of us who have said or done something that allows them to before I ever knew that was possible or what I've done that has allowed them to do so. And this evil being can show himself as a beautiful being of light very similar to what the guy who can save me has been described to look like.
What is my weapon to fight the evil one and his minions?
The handed down, 2000 year old, translated, reinterpreted words in this book that you (Paul) are pissed at me for not being able to figure out, and you (Paul) and no one else is here that can tell me with 100% confidence and 100% accuracy what the true and intended meaning of these words are. WT*?
I'm confused, frustrated, beat up and just plain worn out. The "awareness" of others disappeared and so did feeling nudged by God. And yes, Paul wrote the words that triggered me, but it was God I was frustrated with and I eventually expressed it to Him. (I didn't completely lose habit 1, but habit 2 was gone.)
Light In The Darkness
I did find escapeallthesethings.com (fist bump Tim) and a few other helpful websites and Christian teachers on the radio that were able to unravel some of this (Thanks Tim and a whole list of others).
I'm pretty sure I still have on my side the one true God, His Holy Spirit and His Son who at great cost opened up a direct line of communication for me to his Dad. That's my hope and I'm sticking to it. He and his Son have 2/3rds more super natural minions at their disposal who are often dispatched to help us. I may have met some and don't even know it. Unfortunately, while the communication line appears to be direct and swift going out, it appears that I have to figure out when He is sending me information and try not to confuse it with my own desires and messages from the evil one. I want to be one of the sheep that knows His voice. Why don't I know it? Why don't I immediately recognize it? John 10:27-28
Threeish years ago was when I finally openly expressed the above sentiments to God. I believe He answered. He brought back to mind the old habits He had helped me develop that had been worn away. So I've spent the last few years putting the habits back into place and It's helping but it's taking longer than I expected to get them locked in there as solid as they used to be.
(This was the end of the first draft of this e-mail. Then the "applying the blood of Christ" podcast was released, but if you can come back and say more after you ended the podcast. so can I..... the addendum to the podcast was awesome....not sure my addendum is as good).
In the last few months, I believe He has been encouraging me through some Christian radio and TV shows and some web based teachers. There are a few, but two in particular worth noting:
Listen Online - Christian Biblical Counseling with June Hunt (and Tim & Katrina McHyde). Do a search. You'll find them.
The latest podcast about forgiving yourself was key in explaining how I fell away from the habits and what is making it so difficult to get them back. Forgiving myself will take time to get my arms around. I wish I could find the kick; the "operation chop chop" lesson to break through it. In reality operation chop chop didn't kick in the moment I heard it. It was years a later when it combined with Luke 12:2-3 that the floodgates opened.
I need to define habit 3.
Habit 3: If you tell Me 1 more time that My son's blood isn't good enough, I will obliterate you.
Habit 3: Apply the blood of Christ, accept the forgiveness, I am not more powerful than God. I can not break anything God can't fix. Learn from it and move on.
I gotta go back to the podcast. I know Katrina said something good to repeat that I've already forgot.
I am grateful that you and Katrina have gone beyond prophecy. I applaud that you are willing to opening up your personal lives and struggles and how you are getting through them to help people you don't know. I am amazed at how your podcasts are addressing exactly what I'm struggling with. I thought I was failing in ways most Christians were not. The podcasts are amazing. Failure to overcome habitual sin is devastating. Katrina said out loud what I knew and hate myself for. They are habitual sins because I like them. Is it possible I like them because I am a vessel made for dishonorable use?
What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory. (Romans 9:22-23)
[Referring to your podcast about the Zoom fellowship you have that not everyone sticks with,] I understand why people in your fellowship group leave. You have been saying for a while something like, "simple to understand, difficult to do"
How about this: "Simple to understand, brutally painful to implement."
Perhaps it's the first time we are seeing how truly ugly our sin is. The necessity of applying the blood of Christ (fist bump Katrina) is becoming clearer as I type this.
Sorry this is so long. It's the first time I have shared any of this with anyone; so unfortunately, I'm using a billion words. I recently heard a comment about that somewhere. (fist bump again Katrina)
Perhaps there is something in here that might help you and Katrina in your work. I think the "habits" are good and similar to what you and Katrina are teaching. Maybe you can share them or use them somehow. I think some of the story behind them helps to get them in place. Once "Operation chop chop" was linked to Luke 12:2-3 habit 2 was almost completely locked in. I believe the first time I had sexual thoughts after habit 2 began was also important in locking habit 2 in for a long haul. I don't care if you share any of this with others. That is to say, feel free to share any of this. Trash it if you think it will hurt. You and Katrina haven't hit on anything like habit 2 (yet?), all I can say is it once helped me a lot and I believe falls in line with the golden rule in that keeping my thoughts clean and good, could lead to actions that are good. Then I would do unto others as I would want to be done to me.
I feel compelled to share 2 more things...
Tim: Just want to make sure somebody tells you this today:
It's OK to charge money for your work.
1 Timothy 5:17-18 — 17 The elders who are good leaders should be considered worthy of an ample honorarium,[a] especially those who work hard at preaching and teaching. 18 For the Scripture says: Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain, and, the worker is worthy of his wages.
Katrina: Just want to make sure you hear this today:
John 9:1-3 — As He was passing by, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples questioned Him: “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” Jesus answered. “This came about so that God’s works might be displayed in him."
Tim and Katrina you and your family have been in my prayers.
Take care and God bless, and God bless if you were able to read all this. (At least I didn't throw in a "begats" section.)
Katrina's Response to Krullmi's Email
Katrina had some great thoughts and insights to share with Krullmi. I'm including those below for supporters only. In them you'll understand the three things she has seen in her life and others she counsels that cause us to get off track even when employing the wonderful wisdom shared above!
To read Katrina's words, login or join the support team where we can help you pull off what Krullmi described above.
To Read The Rest...
To see what Katrina shared in response to Krullmi on the three things that trip us up , please join my support team monthly or even for just one month (no monthly financial commitment required). I appreciate your material support in exchange for helping me to continue to bring forth spiritual support (as Paul taught in 1Co 9:11, 14) for the saints to finally learn God's will and to do it (Lk 8:21=Mt 12:49-50=Mk 3:34-35). If you cannot afford to join the Support Team at this time, I understand. Please enjoy the hundreds of other free studies on this site instead!
Thank you for the kind words and prayers. Having something so tender in my life and loosing it (for lack of a better word) sucks. What was especially painful about it is that I knew why I lost it. My sin. Or so I thought.
I got some great learning today. It was not so much my sin, as it was not being able to forgive myself for that sin. Katrina walked me through some valuable teaching about how much God loves us. A lot if it is in the “Applying the blood of Christ” podcast. Interestingly enough, Applying the Blood of Christ itself was not the focus of the conversation. Come to think of it, being able to forgive yourself was not the direct focus either, but what she did teach me is what made forgiving myself easier. I couldn’t forgive myself because I didn’t really believe God did. Also mentioned in the podcast. I didn’t really understand His love. Still got more to go on that, but I got a good boost today.
I’ll try to summarize some of what she taught me, but it is what all the podcasts and articles are revealing and will be revealing in the future.
This is not exactly what was said or how she taught it. It’s more of what I’ve concluded from it.
There is “fear” of God that is healthy. Reverence, respect being in awe and taking His words to heart. Then there is “terror” of God. Not healthy. That’s where my problem was. Terror makes you do what terror will always make you do, or at least what it did to me. Run away, hide, put on the fig leaves. Understanding how much God loves us is important in keeping from falling into terror. Understanding the purpose of evil and\or the bad things that happen to us is another big part of understanding God’s love for us. The pain has a purpose. I cannot do justice to how this was taught and laid out. Katrina mentions it in her responses to my e-mail. I think she got is down to 2 hours-ish. Prayers are being answered.
Anyway, with Gods help and His putting you all in my path I believe the habits, and tenderness are moving back in. Always a work in progress.
I’m glad you’re finding what God had given to me helpful. Habit 2 is humbling and painful to get in place. I don’t think it can be done without habit 1 first. I think you need God’s help. It sounds like you’ve worked through that already (fist bump). I hope it’s easier for you to install habit 2 than it was for me. That would be a good sign that you are already bringing every thought captive.
Maybe that’s why “Loving God with all your heart mind and soul” is first and “Loving your neighbor as yourself is second”?
I asked Him to give you a hug and bring some employment that meets your needs …. and is fun!